In The Genes?

I rarely write about my big girl, my 18-year-old, if you have read my previous blogs you may be aware that she has not lived with me for 11 years now, it has been a hard slog to get to the point where we are now, that she has made the journey alone to come and visit is something I have waited many a year to happen, and I never thought it would.

My daughter has complex needs, at 18 she finds general life hard to cope with, going shopping is an extremely difficult thing for her to do, her self-esteem, her nervousness due to being unable to count change or follow a shopping list, makes day-to-day life a struggle. Until recently she was unable to take a bus alone.

She has in the past self harmed, and at one desperately low point, made an attempt to take her own life, thankfully it was a feeble attempt, more a cry for help and attention then having thought it through.

My daughter’s diagnoses is still a mystery to me, perhaps on the autistic spectrum, definitely  some severe mental health issues.

She struggled for years through the school system, could never keep up with the work and had little or no friends.

For many years, and still today I hold myself partly to blame for the person she has become and the struggles she faces, even if I am told over and over, even if I rationalise with myself that even if she had been bought up in a stable environment she may still have difficulties I still hold myself partly to blame. When she was a very young child I became very ill (mentally) and she lived with a family member following my divorce from her father, living there, even as a small child she was always aware of her difference, knew she was not one of them, she then went to live with my ex and his new wife, again she felt that they to would reject her, they tried their best but sadly the professional help and support both she and they needed did not arrive for many years, by then the damage had been done. Over the years people have asked me why I did not go to court, why would I sit back and let her live with my ex in another town, seeing her only every 4 months or so, just for a day trip.  I did not have a choice, from the very beginning at a time I was unable to care for myself let alone my daughter I was told this was the best for her.  Due to my mental health decline,  I knew that if I had indeed gone to court to fight for custody I would not stand a chance. There have been so many times that I wanted with all my heart and soul to grab my daughter and run away with her, but I have known that she can not handle change, that it was best for her to stay there, and so for 11 years I have put my own pain and hurt aside and have done what all parents would hopefully naturally do, the best for the our children.

Around a year ago, after a drastic few months when my daughter walked in to a main road in the hope of being knocked over, she was finally accepted and funding was found for a specialist college, a place where each student is given the chance to be the best person they can, gardening, music, life skills, making mugs, bags etc to sell are all part of the daily timetable, for the first time in her difficult life, she is happy, she feels in her own words ” she has come home” when attending college, she is also the most able in the college which has contributed to her self esteem slightly rising.

Today, as always when she leaves I am full of a heavy sadness, saying goodbye to her, after spending just over 24 hours with her its always painful.

she has been on medication for a while now, after a bout of self harm her step mum realised she needed to be on medication and thankfully it is helping, but I see myself in her in so many ways, last night she noticed a book I have on Bipolar and she asked me to get it for her as her Dr has begun to suspect she may have it.

It was a mixture of relief and sadness for her when she told me this, relief that finally things may start making sense for her, and sadness that I have passed my mental health issue to her.

I have written a blog re Bipolar and obsessive thinking, and this was confirmed for me during a conversation with her, she explained to me that she went through a period of not sleeping, not eating, crying non stop as she struggled with obsessively thinking about a boy in her college, she could not concentrate on her lessons, she began to self harm again.  It was as if I was hearing someone describe my thought process when having an episode of obsessive thinking.

Whilst the pain for her is still there, so is the hope for her, the fact that she has a diagnoses, the way she thinks and acts explained via the Bipolar “label” will eventually make her life a lot easier, she has the advantage of knowledge so young, and even though it is not something any average 18-year-old would want for themselves for her it has given her courage, she can accept her diagnoses, and work with the experts to encourage her to lead the best life she can.

Interestingly, it has given me a sense of closeness to her that I did not have before, it is sad for her that she has experienced in her life so much pain and suffering, but I can now help her, through my lived experience of bipolar I can help her, empathise with her, know that with the correct help and treatment there is no reason she should not live a happy, fulfilling life.

How I wish that my daughter did not have any mental health issues, that she would never have to struggle with her thoughts and feelings, that her self-esteem was high, that she sees what I see, a beautiful young lady with so much to give, a girl who has a bond with children whom have special needs, a teenager who has had to fight for everything and has accomplished so much ( for example teaching herself sign language so as to be able to converse with a little girl she looks after, something she hopes to continue doing and eventually having a profession as a sign language interpreter in a hospital etc), but as she grows I see a positive future for her.

Till recently having a diagnoses of a mental heath disorder such as bipolar was a shameful secret, but now, I see how happy she is to have been given an explanation of how her mind works, and this is an attitude we can all take a lesson from.

A Poem she will never read

There will be times I will feel the need to write about my daughter.

This blog( in general)  will not be sad, in fact I am determined to keep it happy and jolly… though if I feel strongly about something, you will all know!!

I am blessed with 2 beautiful daughters. A 7 year old and a 17 year old (yup feeling old). My 17 year old has not lived with me for 10 years.  Over the years I have been made to feel (probably unintentionally ) that I should be “grateful” for the time I get to be with her, that I should not complain when I do not have enough time with her, that I should just smile and say no problem when I am given instructions on how to be with her.

My hope is to reach out to other “Mothers apart” and let them know they are not alone.

Poems are my way of expressing myself, so here’s one I made earlier… 

( Advert Break:::: I am available for little or no fee to write poems for any occasion, Weddings, Bar-Bat Mitzvah, Sheva Brochot, Christenings, Funerals, Wake’s, etc)

 

The train rumbles, as it leaves the station

Trying to calm my steadily increasing frustration

The whistle sounds, a forlorn call

I wish I could curl in to a foetal ball

 

The brakes hiss, and screech like they protest in pain

Trying to keep my mind sane.

 

Whizzing past stations to fast to keep track

A part of me wants to turn back

Heading toward someone who is  a part of my being

So why do I in pain feel like keeling

 

Pretending this is just how it should be

A trip once every three months for me to see

O I smile and you will see my mask

To keep it pasted on is truly a task

 

Be grateful is the message they sublimely send my way

You are getting this much is what they really want to say

Really? For sure? Do you know what you are implying?

My anger raises up before once again subsiding.

 

To them it is a trip, that we once in a while do make

To them it is just a trip for goodness sake.

 

For me, as those train tracks screech in protest under

I peer at the sky, why does it always look like thunder?

Taking me to her, as if a civil occasion

Pasting a smile, through me there is a sadness invasion

 

The same routine every single time,

Acting as if this is just oh so fine

A meal out, her watching just in case

A friend of hers may see her, constant worry on her face.

 

Talking as if we are all good mates

But look, is this really going to be our fate?

An awkward hug after a measly two hours

Oh how I wish I had turning back time powers

 

Speak to you on the phone tomorrow I hope

My heart breaking but having to cope,

Sure mummy she says with a wide smile,

Whilst running to the house to her  “mother” all the while.

 

 

 

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