The loneliness Minister. Tragedy or necessity ?

Big news today, Tracey Crouch was appointed as Loneliness minister.

Her job? To tackle an issue facing around nine million people in the U K , both young and old.

Look back to the 1950’s would there have been a need for a minister, appointed by the Prime Minister specially to tackle loneliness? Not that I remember….but look at any pictures of those days, or even better watch Call the Midwife and we see neighbours hanging out washing together, we see children playing in the streets , we see Dr’s doing house calls, we see the milkman knowing the life story of his customers, we see community. Obviously life in the 50’s was not perfect, poverty was the norm, but then, pretty much everyone in the community was poor so you did not feel different.

How have we gone from a nation of people who would notice if they did not see their neighbour for a day or two, to a nation where a people do not leave their house for weeks on end and no one notices?

The BBC writes today ” A 2017 report said loneliness was as harmful to health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.” ” An estimated half of people aged 75 and over live alone – about two million people across England – with many saying they can go days, even weeks, with no social interaction at all.”

Loneliness amongst the elderly has been an ongoing issue, which I think people in general are aware of, and slowly more is being done, the spare chair Sunday initiative launched in 2015 encouraged people to open their home to an elderly guest and invite them for a warm and delicious lunch. There are many more befriending agencies then in the past but sadly there is still a long way to go, with library’s and social clubs closing due to lack of funding, children moving further and further away from their parents home, friends and partners passing away, and inability to access transport needs the elderly are finding themselves more isolated then ever before. last year, Charity WRVS warned that more then 360,000 older people felt lonely because their children were too far away and too busy to see them.

It just takes a minute, knock on the door of an elderly neighbour and ask if they are ok.

I wanted to write about loneliness in younger people. research by the Mental Health Foundation found that social media is fuelling isolation among young people. From personal experience, using Wats App has affected my social interaction in a huge way, my husband often gets exasperated when I have a whole conversation through voice message rather than picking up the phone and talking to someone.  Facebook is a world of likes and dislikes, to the extent that a young person putting up messages that she is about to commit suicide will get liked, rather then anyone actually connecting with her and having a conversation.

At every age a person can get lonely, we may be an aging population but we are also getting more and more alone, we need not go the shops, they will come to us, we need not talk to anyone, we need not leave our home.

A young mother for example, staying home with her baby, unable to go out for long due to her babies needs can find her mental health deteriorating at an alarming rate, the need to put on a smile, paint the mask of being a capable, in control parent when going out due to fear of being judged as not coping will become more and more isolated, whilst her single friends are out, working, socialising she is alone.

A stay at home or single dad may find that any groups he does want to go to are overrun with women and feels isolated.

So what to do?

For some people, opening the curtains in the morning is the first step, and a massively positive first step.  taking that scary first step can lead to more and more baby steps, to feel the fear and do it anyway, to give yourself a pat on the back for the smallest of things, can slowly bring about a positive change.

I have heard of people adopting a dog or cat, animals can bring comfort beyond measure.

whatever a person is interested there is something that they can get involved with, for example I love writing, doing a quick search in my area for creative writing groups I am directed to a local café holding open mic nights, and writing and sharing groups. If biking is your thing, there are cycling groups in most areas. interested in Art? do a search of groups in your area.

Volunteering is an amazing way to feel less alone, volunteers are an integral part of the Charity I work at.  There are so many different ways to volunteer that can change a persons life for the better drastically.

Community, though community can at times be suffocating being involved in your community can help combat loneliness. Your local synagogue, church etc. may be able to provide opportunities for you. Another aspect of community is right there in your street, it takes courage to knock on a door of a stranger, but you never know, the person behind the door next to you may be lonely to, they may be hoping that you will take the step and knock on their door.

One last thing, through any kind of group, workshop or volunteering opportunity make a friend, even if it is only one friend, that is all you need for the times when the desperation to have human contact is at its biggest. A friend can bring so much to a persons life.

All the above can sound like a mountain to someone who is alone and afraid, but take the one step, open the curtains, google a group, knock on the door, and every step you take however tiny give yourself credit, you deserve it.

lots of love

Sara

THE TWO TYPES.

Around 6 months ago, after becoming to attached to a client, I decided to leave my job as a carer for the elderly.  The particular couple I had become close to both deteriorated at a very fast rate.  Mr K was a rare breed, a gentlemen, kind, caring and had a fantastic sense of humour, his wife spent her time knitting little bags for my daughter ( which sadly she refused to use as they smelt of “old people”) and shouting across the room to her husband whilst tutting and “whispering” to me how hard of hearing he had become, I never had the heart to tell her she was way more hard of hearing then he was….

I saw Mr K go from a bubbly man to a shell in a hospice, but I will never forget him.  It was a few weeks after he passed away that I woke one morning and had, what I now know was burn out. I physically could not get out of bed, the thought of seeing another client, of having to wash, dress, clean someone was horrific to me, and so I had to leave the job.

Fast forward 6 months, after trying my hand at a few office jobs, I came to the realisation that I needed to go back to being a carer.  This is where my strengths lie and a part of me was missing, so this time I have made sure systems are in place (supervision, time out etc) to make sure I do not have a repeat of last time.

There are some things I have learnt from working with the elderly, and I call them the two types, the two types of elderly people and the two types of families, and both the two types go hand in hand.

The first type are the people with pictures of smiling grandchildren, (and great children) plastered over their walls, they are the ones who will have a sweet bowl on the table and command you to eat sweets before you leave, they are the ones who are clean, well presented, who feel they have something to live for, these people have the first type of family to, these families are the ones who will call whilst you are there, even though they have spoken to their parent a few minutes before to ensure everything is ok, they are the type who will take out Mum or Dad for a walk, to the shops, they are the type who will pop in every day or every other day, they are the type who will send in a week’s worth of meals in little plastic containers, neatly labelled which day and meal they are for, they are the type who will speak to their parents dr, nurse, carer, cleaner on a regular basis. They are the type who care.

The second type are the ones that make me sad, the type of are sitting, waiting, waiting to die. They may sit all day and night in one room, they may refuse to have a wash or put on clean clothes, they may seem to you to be bitter, but really they are hurting and all they want, all they have given up on is someone to show that they care. They may have an odd photo of their husband/wife who passed away many years ago, they may have his/her clothes still in the wardrobe, unable to part with the only person who ever cared. Most shockingly they may have children, who have decided that the person who gave birth to them, the person who cooked, cleaned, cared for and raised them are now a burden. In one instance, I met a lady who was completely alone in the world, to the extent that on her next of kin sheet it said in bold letters “FAMILY DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTACTED” when I first read that, I could not stop the tears.

From my teenage years, I have always had an affinity with the elderly, I find people of a certain age and over fascinating, to hear about a life we can only imagine, to learn about the struggles of fleeing a war zone, to listen to the songs of the past, to have the honour of looking after a  gentlemen who has received his 100 year telegram from the queen is a privilege I am lucky to have.

My aim with this blog today is to remind us, one day we will all be old, (and by the way, never complain about getting old…it is a privilege denied to many) we can look at our children and wonder, will they take care of me? or will they leave me in my old age.

I take my inspiration from my own parents, I remember my grandfather, who lived with us for many many years after my grandmother passed away, walking past a nursing home, and saying to my parents “that looks like a jail, and it is a jail”!!, letting my parents know in no uncertain terms what he thought of a nursing home! My parents gave up on holidays, on rest and a lot more, but it was never thought of that my grandfather would not live with us.

obviously we all not all able to do what my parents did, we may not have a big enough home, or other reasons why our elderly parents can not live with us, but lets not forget them. Let them not be the forgotten. Our elderly parents should be the first priority when looking after people.  Our parents have given their lives to look after us, and we at one point hopefully will be able to show them just what they mean to us.

Lots of love

Sara

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