Anxiety and Purim.

Generalised anxiety disorder is defined by Wikipedia as “An anxiety disorder characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about events or activities. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, and sufferers are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friendship problems, interpersonal relationship problems, or work difficulties.

Symptoms may include excessive worry, restlessness, trouble sleeping, feeling tired irritability, sweating, and trembling.

Fear of escalator’s, pigeons, sitting at a red light, being home alone may seem irrational, yet, those who experience daily anxiety will be able to relate to the ones I feel.
Anxiety disorders are on the rise, although some are easy to understand, the ones we all experience at some points, whether before an job interview, or long journey the nervousness we feel is considered “normal”, but what happens when anxiety follows you around like an annoying shadow, and no matter how we try to weave, and prance our way around it, it sticks to us wherever we go, whatever we are doing.
Those of us whom have generalized anxiety disorder will ask for constant, repeated reassurance and it is completely understandable that after being asked for that over and over again the one doing the reassurance will respond with a lot of eye rolling, believing we being hypochondriac’s, will not understand whey we cant just ” think positive” and will wonder why we need to over dramatize everything

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Having bipolar, combined with anxiety can at times be a daily struggle, from waking up till falling in to a usually highly charged/ disturbing dreaming sleep, somewhere at the back of my mind are those worries, those negative thoughts, “Do I look OK today” “Who will I talk to in the playground at school today” “Am I a good mother, wife, friend, employee” “there is a pigeon over there….. runnnnnn”!!
Carolyn M. Drazinic, MD, PhD, assistant professor in psychiatry, genetics and developmental biology at the University of Connecticut Health Centre in Farmington says, “It is very common to see an anxiety disorder coexisting with bipolar disorder”
Having a combination of Bipolar and anxiety can produce so many extra challenges. 2 people with the same symptoms ( in my case long lasting, stomach pain ) will have completely different conversations with themselves.
Person 1:”This pain is so annoying, it disturbs me every day, I just cant wait for the scan so I can deal with it, I am a little worried because its so often, but the Doctor’s have checked me over and over, they have sent me for tests, if they were overly concerned they would have ordered urgent tests, I will just have to wait and see”
Person 2:”OMG! what’s with this pain? I am so sure that the Doctor has missed something. When I have the scan they are going to find something life threatening, so scared, its just not normal to have stomach pain all day every day. What about that story I read on line?? I am just terrified, should I go to the emergency room tonight?? I need to tell people about this so that they can reassure me, ill just text my husband, friend, therapist, colleague to tell them my stomach is hurting again, and ask them if they think it is something serious? Shall I call an ambulance? No I cant, come-on you know its nothing serious right? No I don’t know that, I am sure they have missed something”.
I think it is pretty obvious which person suffers from anxiety. Yes it sounds laughable, and as I wrote the above I found myself smiling, as I see clearly how often I have the above conversation with people.
Anxiety together with bipolar can cause so much unhappiness and exhaustion, coupled with the obsessive thinking that most people with bipolar tend to have, it can become overwhelming.
Presenting itself in many ways, anxiety can effect us physically, usually through a panic attack. The experience of a panic attack is terrifying. You feel as though your heart is beating at extremely high speed, breathing becomes shallow and you find yourself gasping for oxygen, sweating, trembling, and severe panic are all symptoms of a panic attack. I have not Thank God had a panic attack for a long time now, but I clearly remember the all consuming fear, the all encompassing thought that I was about to die. Eventually I found ways to control and keep the attacks short. This was through deep breathing, reassurance (again!) and listening to sleep mediation videos on you tube. I am ashamed to admit how many time I called Hatzola!

To paint a picture of what anxiety feels have a quick internet search for the Eshima Ohashi bridge in Japan, a a towering monster of a bridge, stretching in to the sky, once you have driven to the dizzying heights of the top, you are faced with the terrifying prospect of driving down the sheer, vertical road ahead of you. The fear you feel is akin to what someone with anxiety will feel going about their daily business, for example when for an unknown reason I developed an irrational fear of elevators , the picture in my mind was the same as I would feel driving up or down the Eshima Ohashi bridge. The elevator looming before me challenging me to step on. Thankfully now through sheer determination on my part ( pat on the back for me!) I am able to cautiously step on, though it takes me time and I dread to think what I look like to other elevator users, as I stand, a panic stricken look on my face, willing myself to take that first step.

With Purim just around the corner I am mindful of the stress and anxiety this Chag can bring. Social, financial, interpersonal anxiety can rear its head. This year I will let myself “off the hook” I will repeat the mantra that has become a lifeline, “I am OK, I am doing my best” and hopefully this year the costume I don will not be used to cover up my anxiety and fear but will bring me true happiness, free of worry.

The light within us

Tonight is the fourth night of Chanukah. Each night as another candle is lit, we sing, we have a little dance we play with the Driedel, the fun continues, presents, latkes, oh so many doughnuts ( of course the game ” who can eat a whole doughnut without licking their lips” must be played… it’s an impossibility!) parties are had.

The feeling of happiness and togetherness as you wonder out in to the street, and see a snapshot through countless windows of families coming together, of parents dancing the same dance, singing the same song nourishes the soul.

The story of Chanukah has the same theme as most other Jewish holidays, to quote Jackie Mason “They tried to kill us, we won, lets eat”. The role that light plays throughout Chanukah can teach us so many lessons.

Miracles can happen, bringing light to the darkest times. A few can outnumber many when they have a strong belief in God. Throughout the darkest of times we can prevail, all it needs is one tiny spark, a weak light, a flame flickering in the night, when we feel only darkness around us can suddenly catch, its flames gathering strength, the light at the very end of the tunnel which seemed so distant can draw nearer.

I have always been fascinated by the story of Chana.  We have been told the story since childhood. ( Without the gory details). As children the story is one of hope and faith.

Chana lived under the tyranny of king Antiochus, a king whose sole ambition was to try to do what so many others have tried and failed, to wipe out Judaism. he forbade observance of all religious laws, anyone found practicing the jewish faith would be executed with no trial.

Chana had been blessed with 7 sons, she had raised them to be religious, God-fearing Jews. After being arrested and bound together with her 7 sons, the youngest only 7 years old they were presented to the king.

Antiochus, sat with each child and tried  to convince them to bow to him. He threatened torture and death, torture so severe death would have been welcome. As each child stood before him he was sure they would eventually prevail and do as he had commanded. Yet each child refused him. Saying ” Why do you bother with your long speeches, we are ready to welcome death for the sake of our holy Torah”.

Their mother, stood, watching as each son was presented with the option, bow or die, a slow painful death.

Picture the scene, a mother stands, seeing her children, one by one being tortured, her children’s agonized screams, as Antiochus forces her to watch their painful death.

6 Children lie at her feet, one child remains, a 7 year old boy. His mother whispers to him “My son, I carried you in my body for nine months, I nursed you for 2 years, and I have fed you until today. I have taught you to fear God and uphold his Torah. See the heaven and earth the sea, land, fire and water, know that they were all created with the words of God. He created man to serve Him, and He will reward man for his deeds. The king, he knows he has been condemned before God. He thinks that if convinces you, God will have mercy on him. God controls your life’s breath, and can take your soul whenever He desires. If only I could se the greatness of your glorious place where we would be illuminated with God’s light and rejoice and exult together”

Her son, the last child Chana would ever hold and kiss, refused to bow, suffering torture worse than his brothers.

As her last child lay at her feet, the distraught, desperate mother climbed to a roof and threw herself down, laying to rest amongst her children.

A horrific story, a story which can generate so many questions about faith, what would God have really wanted and so many more, but a few things stand out for me.

A mother, so willing to serve God in any way she was able, the millions of other Jewish mothers throughout the centuries whom have given their lives, whose families have been torn from them by those who wish to destroy everything we as Jews hold dear. Sometimes in life the real meaning of what it means to be a believer, to have a faith in God gets swept up in the shallowness of the world we all live in, what we wear, cars we drive, houses we live in become of utmost importance to us, imagine a world where religion was about true faith and none of the those things really matter, where we do not judge people on outside appearance.

The big picture is the second one. I know a couple of people who are tragically severely ill.  The words the big picture have been on my mind recently, talking to people who do not know, as Chana did not what tomorrow may hold has taught me a tough life lesson. Recently I had words with someone I hold very dear to me, it was a silly little thing that grew in to a frosty silence.  Looking at the situation it occurred to me, does it really matter? Is the big picture being lost here? We have so much to live and love for, do the silly little petty arguments we hold on to, we let grow, let the bitterness come alive, really matter? I know that I value her friendship and with that thought I will move on and hold on to the big picture, in which I can see friendship, help and support when we both need.

The final, and the biggestone is gratitude, we live in a generation where our lives as Jews are not under direct threat, ( we never know if another Holocaust is around the corner though) we can walk in the street, shop in any store, send to Jewish schools and live an openly religious life. How grateful we need to be to be born in to this generation. Tonight I am holding a Chanukah street party in my home, in our lovely little street resides, Hindu’s Christians, Jews and I am sure some atheists live dotted around. We will all come together tonight, in unity, in friendship to celebrate what Chana did not have, freedom, appreciation and joy.  I am comfortable in the knowledge that none of my neighbours want to cut my throat for being a Jew ( well I hope not anyway… that wouldn’t make for a party atmosphere) and tonight we will celebrate that unity, and who knows maybe learn to respect each other a little more.

Wishing you warmth from the light, hope from the flames that grow each night and love from the family and friends you will be with.

Sara xx

 

 

New year, New Anxiety

Anxiety seems to be the flavour of the month.

My Anxiety levels have shot through the roof over the last few weeks.

It is an interesting thing anxiety, as I have got older and had a child new, random worries pop in to my head, and create a nice cosy living space in my mind, settling down, rearing up and stretching at different times, for example a couple of my new anxieties include, pigeons, the sly creatures.. they hide out, under cars, behind dustbins and in trees and then swoop down when you are least expecting.  Escalators, oooo escalators are pure evil, I imagine a hook nose professor, deep underground in his cave, cackling and rubbing his hands together with glee as he invented them, they loom up, mocking you, daring you to step on, go down in to the abyss.

Right now, with the Jewish New Year having just passed, and the holiest day of the Jewish calendar arriving ( Day of Atonement) anxiety levels are sky high, which, considering its all happening up in the sky for the big man is quite appropriate.

God-of-Miracles

The Jewish New Year is vastly different to New Year in the traditional sense, we pray, a lot… a very lot, we eat, then we pray some more, on the day of atonement the order of the day is to stand in Synagogue from morning till night and pray for forgiveness for our transgressions, and that we be blessed with whatever our heart believes we need.

Around Christmas and New Year worldwide, suicide levels rise, anxiety soars and behind closed doors people cry, cry out of loneliness, cry due to their financial situation which can stop someone being able to fully enjoy the day, people cry for those they have lost, and those they ache to be with at a time where family and friendship is all around us.

 

close up of girl covering face
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

New beginning’s are so hard, children find it hard to adjust to going back to school after a long holiday and adults struggle with a forgotten routine, if we add to that the stress of knowing that we stand before God on Rosh Hashana ( the head of the year) and Yom Kippur ( Day of atonement ) it can be overwhelming.

My anxieties are rampant, how much bad have I done this year? how many laws did I break, who did I gossip about, who did I hurt, will those scales in heaven tip in my favour, will it be a productive, healthy year and the list goes on and on.

Bipolar in general does bring with it anxieties, people who have Bipolar tend to become anxious, and have, in addition to Bipolar, general anxiety disorder, so I know I need to keep an eye on the manic thoughts.

There is a concept of Jewish Guilt, we feel it all the time, I know people who have left the religion who still feel guilt years later when living their lives in a secular way.

The guilt is overwhelming, the fear ( even though I truly believe God is loving and wants the best for us) of anything and everything is eating me up and wearing me down.

Wishing one and all an anxiety free, peaceful , healthy in both mind and body new year .

Lots of love

Sara

 

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